Illness that's Invisible... What a concept!!

I'm sick. Not the achoo, I sneezed, must have a cold sick. It's a terminal, sick as fuck sick. It's also invisible. Oooohhhh...magic!! Fuck no, just a few of what are probably thousands of "invisible illnesses". I have several. I started a collection about a decade ago. Officially diagnosed with: Secondary Progressive Multiple Sclerosis, Adult-Onset Muscular Dystrophy (this bitch is a killer), Crohn's, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. That's it, just those 5. Pretty impressive, amirite?!

I'm beyond tired of the sideways glances, the eye-rolls, the well-intentioned but completely idiotic suggestions... Here's the thing. IF my illnesses were curable with a diet, a willingness to overcome, a choice, do you really fucking think I'd still be sick??!! Do you really believe I haven't tried praying, lotions, potions, oils, diets, exercises...my god the list never ends...??!! And for the millionth time, NO. No it isn't about not having tried it long enough or because I 'cheated' by eating gluten or skipped my cardio 2 days in a row... The reality is so much more simple than that. I'm fucking sick.

Here is a list of some of the things I would rather do (and mostly used to do) than be sick:

 1. Work. You know, have a JOB. Being at home 24/7 is BORING, LONELY & quite frankly, I ain't making no money which is an entire other discussion.
2. Play at the lake.
3. Take my dogs for long ass walks on country roads.
4. Go exploring with my camera.
5. Get dressed up, put on makeup & go out for dinner with my Amazing Husband.
6. Clean my dirty damn house!!
7. Play with my GrandBabes.
8. Attend concerts!!
9. Start a business.
10. Not have to change my clothes due to bowel/bladder issues.
11. Stay up late laughing.
12. Keep chickens.
13. Take Amazing Husband to work daily so I have a car.
14. Dance!!!
15. Box!!!
16. Go climbing!!!
17. Play guitar.
18. Play drums in a local band again.
19. Sing. OK, sing well again.
20. Do something FUN 2 days in a row.
21. Exercise 2+ hours every day like I used to.
22. Become a runner.
23. Build mini chicken coops.
24. Go outdoors on hot, humid days.
25. Keep a large vegetable garden.
26. Keep lots of plant/flower gardens.
27. Attend comedic shows.
28. Stay up past 10:00 pm.
29. Pull an all-nighter talking to Amazing Husband about life, love & our pursuit of happiness.
30. Make & maintain a friendship or two (I'm an introvert...we keep our circles small but preferably not empty).
31. Experience 24 hours without tears...of sadness, frustration, pain.
32. Eat when I'm hungry & not when my stomach decides it will allow food consumption.
33. Leave the house without doping up on Ibuprofen & anti-diarrhea medication.
34. Give my crutches, cane & wheelchair to someone who needs them.
35. Stay awake all day.
36. Sleep at night.
37. Sleep longer than an hour or two without waking up to pee.
38. Build a tree house for reflection & reading.
39. Agility with my dogs!!!
40. Be much more active in humanitarianism.
41. Paint my house.
42. Go thrift shopping.
43. Go hiking.
44. Ride a roller coaster.
45. Go to a carnival/renaissance/flea market.

 45 years old, 45 things I'd rather be doing. So, all my Chronically Ill Warrior's out there!! What would you rather be doing???

#mswarrior #mdwarrior #fibrowarrior #cfswarrior #crohnswarrior #invisibleillnesswarrior #chronicillnesswarrior #chronicpainwarrior

Macaroni & "Cheese"

Eating at least 50% of my days as a vegan is excellent for my body & soul and it's also great for the environment. Win, win, win. One question/observation. Example: Macaroni & "Cheese". Is it just me or did the entire "cheese" part make you suspicious? Yes, cheese in a vegan recipe is usually in quotation marks. To further add to your suspicion you take a bite & taste something, well, that just isn't cheese. A lot of people just said, "eww!" Amirite? Why not try being honest? Call it "Macaroni & Walnut Sauce". Or "Mashed Potatoes & Sunflower Seed Gravy". I mean let's keep it 💯. Would love any thoughts on this? P.S. I will be busy the next few days as I go through all my collected vegan recipes & edit their title. ☺

I'll have some brain with the fog please...

My memory is hazy like fog right before dawn. 

My purpose for life is unclear.

My brain thought, "Chuck to work." 

My mouth said, "Churk."

Each incident is funny, at least at the time.

The more I progress, the more I cry.

My balance is scary, my legs are unsure & my mind is leaving.

When it's time to sit in the wheelchair will I be aware?

Will I even care?

I'm becoming a burden which is nothing I dreamt of.

I was supposed to be a rock star.

I knew it in my heart.

Now I'm in my 40's & told I don't have long to live.

Damn right I'm angry but mostlly sad.

So many things I wanted to do...

I missed my chance.

I'm tired of the stares, the looks & the whispers.

If you have a fucking question - ask it.

I'm listening.

Avocado's are suspicious.

The past few days we have been eating avocado.  We've had guacamole tortilla chips, homemade dip with guacamole & another dip made with guacamole & spinach.  This took place over a 3-day period.  


I was awoke at 2:00am with a powerful need to vomit.  After completely emptying my stomach & brushing my teeth, I went back to bed until 6:30am.
Several things were "off" for me.  I had to poop.  Very unusual.  I had turds when I pooped.  Even more rare.  My poop was green...fibrous green logs.  Never happened before.  Ever.


I borrowed the following from Wikipedia...

"Avocado leaves, bark, skin, or pit are documented to be harmful to animals; cats, dogs, cattle, goats, rabbits, rats, birds, fish, and horses can be severely harmed or even killed when they consume them. The avocado fruit is poisonous to some birds, and the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) lists it as toxic to many animals including cats, dogs, and horses. Avocado is an ingredient in AvoDerm dog food and cat food. However, the ASPCA has declined to say whether this food is safe or not.

Avocado leaves contain a toxic fatty acid derivative, persin, which in sufficient quantity can cause colic in horses and, without veterinary treatment, death. The symptoms include gastrointestinal irritation, vomiting, diarrhoea, respiratory distress, congestion, fluid accumulation around the tissues of the heart, and even death. Birds also seem to be particularly sensitive to this toxic compound. Feeding avocados or guacamole to an animal should be avoided completely.

Some people have allergic reactions to avocado. There are two main forms of allergy: those with a tree-pollen allergy develop local symptoms in the mouth and throat shortly after eating avocado; the second, known as latex-fruit syndrome, is related to latex allergy and symptoms include generalised urticaria, abdominal pain, and vomiting and can sometimes be life-threatening."

I further found numerous sites proclaiming the avocado is only safely consumed by ant eaters & humans.  I generally do not trust things my dogs can't have...or dislike.  Chocolate being the only exception I fully stand behind.  I'm not insane, after all!!

Have I mentioned my amazing husband also randomly vomited this weekend? Second day of eating the avocado.  Neither of us have a latex allergy.

I blame the avocado.  They're very suspicious.

It's why I move.

My husband has been with me to my appointments to my neurologist, rheumotologist, urologist...and several more "ists". He see's my MRI's & has had lesions pointed out to him on both my brain & spine. But, what 'most' people don't know, is what else he see's and does...how amazing, almost always, he is...and what it means to be my husband.

I want to talk about something DIFFERENT than the injections, medications, vitamins and the changes I've made in my life to compensate. Ya'll know the medical definition of MS, and if you don't, look it up. The National MS Society and MSAA are great places to learn from!!

Within my close family/friends circle, we use "The Spoon Theory" to explain units of energy. I know that even this theory doesn't begin to explain the fatigue I feel some days, but it at least puts something imaginable on the charts.

When I was first told I had a progressive form of MS, I mourned. I mourned for a life I knew was over. It took awhile - I had to go through literally every step of grieving that I would have had someone I loved passed away. I got stuck at angry the longest. But, born from that anger, grew a need to fight...to prove I could continue being an 'athlete' as my family physician refers to me. A burning need to prove to myself that I coud beat this!! With each 'new' illness I'm diagnosed with - Fibromyalgia, Lupus, Myotonic Dystrophy Type 1, Crohn's - I go through a process. First, I cry. Mostly out of frustration. Then I get angry. Really pissed off. I fight back. I research, research & research. I learn about holistic approaches, I cross-reference what I find & how that works with the 'others' living in my body. I adapt - my lifestyle, my diet, my exercise, my living space - to accommadate space for the next 'thing' my doctor's insist on giving me. I overcome them all. There are changes, definitely, but when I die - it's going to be something cool. Like being executed for my beliefs or because I smashed into a mountain while hang-gliding for my 50th birthday. But, anyway, back to the point.

I'm going to walk you through a 'bad' day first...

I forgot to move my legs before jumping out of bed because I had to pee worse than usual (and usual is bad). So, I end up collapsed on the floor with pee filling my pants. I'm able to get up (so far), get into the bathroom and finish going on the toilet. However, I now have to clean myself up, rinse my panties and my PJ bottoms, put them in the hamper and get a load of laundry ready. Damn. I'm already exhausted. Now I throw my hair into piggy tails or a pony tail, put in my contacts, brush my teeth and grab my workout clothes. Oops on my asthma medication - Advair 1st, then brush...or get thrush. No matter how tired I am the night before, I always lay out my workout clothes for the next day, including socks. No excuses. Which shoes? My Adidas ones that 'normally' fit fantastic or the wider New Balance that cause less neuropathy pain? Day hasn't started so great, we'll go with New Balance. Onward to the kitchen.

Thankfully my younger brother is living with us...the coffee is hot & ready. First I wash my 'adult sippy cup', then I get my coffee. I boot up my laptop. If the sun is coming up, I go outside, let the chickens into their yards, check for eggs and water, etc. Another thankful moment...my husband comes home while I'm outside and he helps with the chicken chores. Some days, like on these 'bad' days, I wouldn't be able to finish by myself. I would probably be found by the kids after they got off the bus - curled up & sleeping in the hen house!!

So, now I'm back in the house...drinking coffee, hopefully not smoking cigarette's. I'm trying to 'wake up'. To clear the thick pea soup-like fog in my brain. At this point, hopefully I remember to put a scoop of whey protein in my coffee - I can't eat because of nausea, especially in the mornings and take my vitamins & 'smart' pill. My vitamins are a Super-B Complex, D-3, Viactiv caramel Calcium chew and 3 chewable Vitamin C (500mg each). My smart pill is Provigil, 200mg. It's supposed to help keep me awake, help clear the fog and improve my memory. On 'bad' days, I can fall asleep even after taking my 2nd one around noon. We're talking about a bad day.

I will typically sit at the computer for up to 3 or 4 hours on these days. Who knows what I'm looking at... Could be chicken coops for idea's, could be I'm researching something... The point is, this is all I do on bad days. Sometimes I do manage to drag my ass over to the treadmill and walk for at least 30 minutes. But, it's well after noon before I get to it. My day is almost over...

I get in the shower - sometime between 3:00 and 5:00pm. I'm late getting dinner to the table, even with Chuck's help. I try to let him sleep as long as he can during the week. Working 3rd's really takes it toll on you! I remember!!

After dinner, the kids are supposed to clean up the dinner mess. Hit or miss. I retire to the couch, where I promptly fall asleep until Chuck is getting ready for work - I get his lunch ready, prep the coffee for in the morning, round up dogs and head back to our bedroom when he leaves.

Back there, I take my med's, my injection, wash my face, moisturize my face, floss my teeth, then use my Advair inhaler, then brush my teeth & mouthwash. Last, I take out my contacts, put my hair in a ponytail and hit the sack. No reading...I'm lucky to remember to set the alarm.

Bad days are usually a period of time lasting 3 days to a couple weeks. Once I realize I'm in a 'flare', as I call it, I pre-plan the menu with Crock Pot meals to make my evenings less taxing.  I wear my "Serenity" pads in case I poo or pee myself.  Don't laugh, this really happens and much, much more frequently than I like to admit!!

Then comes along a good day...

I wake up before the alarm goes off...or at least gently to beautiful music. I remember to wiggle my toes, ankles and bend my knees. I make it to the bathroom ON TIME. I put in my contacts, use my Advair, brush my teeth. I dress in my workout clothes, wear the Adidas and come out to the kitchen already smiling. I remember 1st thing to drink my whey protein, take my vitamins & smart pill. I take care of the chickens before Chuck even gets home. I might even be on the treadmill before he walks in the door...or have breakfast ready for him - farm fresh eggs, turkey bacon, toast. Either way, I will have an excellent workout & a great morning with my husband!! We might work together & sweep the house or fold laundry. Maybe the dishwasher ran overnight & we put the dishes away together. Whatever, we both know I'm having a better day. My fingers are still crossed, as is his - you never know when suddenly my good day will take a terrible downward spiral. But, I have hope in my heart...I want desperately to believe that TODAY will be a good day!!

Chuck goes to bed. If I haven't worked out, I do it now. Or, if I could tell he was tired and there were some chicken things to be taken care of, now I do it. The sun is almost always shining on these days and I'll look for reasons to be outside. If it's too cold or too hot, I get down on all four's and really scrub the hardwood flooring throughout our house. I clean the laundry room - which is almost equivalent to a mud room in our home - thoroughly, top to bottom. I'll wipe down kitchen cabinets, laundry room cabinets...even organize the computer room (eegads). I'm a flurry of activity and have 5 things going at once - including myself.

I get my shower out of the way earlier in the day - have dinner on the table, on time, without assistance. I stay awake while watching evening TV with my family. I might even stay up late, finishing up odds & ends from the day that I stopped working on to spend time with my family. I catch up on the days email and work on the menu for the next week. I'm so filled with optimism on 'good' days. Sometimes I get really lucky and I have 3 or 4, or dare I hope, 5 good days in a row. During the good days, I'm more social. I like to go out & see people, talk to people on the phone, visit. I love to do my weekly shopping on good days.  I read 1, 2 sometimes even 3 chapters in my current book before turning out the light for the night.

Most days are mediocre days. Not 'good', but not 'bad'. Somewhere in-between. My morning might be really good and then my afternoon and/or evening shot or vica-versa. Most of the time, I'm great for 2 or 3 hours 1st thing, then I'm shot for the next 6 hours, then I perk back up for the final couple hours of the day. That's what we call a 'normal' day. Normal days I get my workout and chickens out of the way, but may be late on my shower and/or dinner. Normal days I might 'skip' my workout to sweep or clean out the pantry. Normal days should include a nap. I'm horrible at naps. There's something about laying down in the middle of the day that seems foreign to me. I know that my body needs rest. I really do. I understand my nerves are exposed and that even the slightest weather change can wreak havoc throughout my entire body. I can not afford to let myself off the hook with the excuses. I'm tired - I'm always tired. I'm sore - I'm always sore. My feet burn - my feet always burn. I have a migraine - I always have some kind of headache. My balance - my balance is always bad, so hang onto the handrails on the treadmill. My spasticity is bad - go slow and walk for a longer distance. There is no excuse I can come up with that is as powerful as why I must keep going. If I stop going, I might not be able to go anymore. Tomorrow may be the day I wake up and need a walker, or a wheelchair. What if I wake up from a nap and can't move my legs?! No, I move because I can...

TODAY!

Spring is in the air...and a short rant about DST!!

Oh my.  Went to our local TSC last week - Guess what they have?  That's right!!  Peeping peepers!!  TONS of 'em!  I came home with 9 the 1st visit, 7 more the 2nd visit = 16 new li'l peeps!  They are Buff Orpington, Rhode Island Red and Ameraucana.   All pullets.  All darling!  Although I do believe the Ameraucana's are actually Easter Eggers.  LOL!

The EE's are really easy to tell apart from the others.  However, I am not very adept at knowing the Buff Orp's from the RIR's.  I know I have 5 EE's and at least half of the rest are definitely RIR's.  Good thing I have people 'waiting' for eggs!! LOL!  I think I may have a couple Orp's.  Here's a couple pic's I took this morning...

You can really see my freckle-faced EE in this shot. She's a cutie!!

Anyone have idea's on how to tell the RIR's from the Buff Orp's?  It's very possible I have the 5 EE's and the other 11 are all Rhode Island Red's!  LOL!  I'm fine with that...although I will be placing a chick order from MyPetChicken.com later this spring and I will order Buff Orp pullets, as well as Blue-Laced and Columbian Wyandotte's, a couple of Black Jersey Giant's and some chicks for my Cochin coop, Polish coop and Silkie coop.  What can I say?  I'm a chicken addict!!  LOL!  I did have a friend let me know that TSC's chicks aren't always a perfect example of a particular breed.  Which makes sense...and I'm not worried about it as I'm using them for eggs only.  If any of them breed with Jake, my Buff Orp roo, great!  It'll just mean I won't have to buy more chicks in a couple years to replenish my eggs.

OK.  D.S.T.  Daylight Savings Time.  Seriously?  It's one of the most ridiculous things I've ever had to deal with.  We never had it when I was growing up and now we do.  Blech.  Surely it's a complete waste of time!  Now, instead of having some daylight when I get out of bed at 6:30am, I have complete darkness.  But, at 8:00pm when I would like to be closing up the chicks & heading to bed at 9:00pm - oh no because I have daylight.  What in the hell was wrong with leaving our clocks alone?!  In the fall, I gain an hour.  In the spring, I lose an hour.  Wouldn't it be exactly the same if we just left it alone?  Why gain an hour and then lose one?  Why not just continue to cruise through life as we here in this part of Indiana have always known it?  At least before all this Daylight Savings crap, we had sun in the AM and the PM.  Is it obvious I'm thoroughly unimpressed with DST?  LOL!

That's all I have for today.  Hope everyone has a fantastic week!!

Borderline Personality Disorder...My Mother, The Psycho

One day I'm my mother's best friend.  She calls me repeatedly, talking for up to an hour at a time.  She laughs, jokes, even tells me how proud she is of me.  The very next day, or maybe even the same evening, she calls and it's a completely different story.  I'm worthless, stupid, fat, over-sexed, ungrateful, and oh yeah, she hates me.  This is always my fault.  Not really, but to hear her tell it I should have never been born...at least at that moment. 
I have spent my entire life trying to please her.  Trying in vain to make her love me.  Trying to have a mother-daughter relationship like so many women my age have with their mothers.  A normal relationship.  A healthy relationship.
My mother isn't normal.  Nor is she healthy.  She has borderline personality disorder.  She taught it to both my brother and I.  We are choosing to overcome and break the cycle.  We refuse to live in a borderline world. 
Borderline Personality Disorder affects millions.  While there is some proof of hereditary link, the majority of cases are environmental.  A third category, neurological damage, is less known.  My mother falls into this category.  She suffered severe head trauma as a 5th grader.  A maypole fell and hit her while she was playing on the playground during recess.  She wasn't expected to live and was in a coma for several weeks.  The doctor's told my grandparents she would never be 'right' and would require special care.  She had multiple surgeries - mostly to repair eye damage.  My grandparents, taking the physician's advice, babied her.  She was never held accountable for her actions or behavior.  The general consensus was, "poor Jackie...she had such a terrible accident."  My great-grandmother told me on many an occasion my mother had gone from a very pleasant, fun loving child to an enraged, verbally abusive stranger.  She would scream obscenities at my grandparents and her siblings...with no consequences.  Everyone was told she couldn't help it and to essentially 'look the other way'. 
I don't doubt my mother suffered brain damage.  I also don't doubt 'turning the other cheek' added to her already disturbed thought process.  I love you!  I hate you!  Don't leave me!  Go away!  Childish and petulant behavior.  Behavior that I refuse to deal with.  I have boundaries and from this day forward, I will not allow them to be trampled on.  My brother feels exactly the same way. 
We are done being victims.  I hope everyone can find a way to enforce their personal boundaries and not allow themselves to be victimized by anybody.
Keep moving!  Keep peace in your heart...and always love completely!!

PMS

This past weekend I found myself envisioning a huge dish of homemade macaroni-n-cheese, drizzled with melted milk chocolate and a Turtle cheesecake for dessert. My energy level was zilch and I was sporting 3 bright red, shiny new pimples on my face. Say what? 39 years old and going through puberty...again?? What is up with that? I could have ate the house out. Visions of Doritos, cheese-covered fries and giant milkshakes danced in my head. My lower back was in complete spasmatic funfest. I wanted a heating pad, a bed and comfy, almost falling off me sweats.

Fatigue...haha...not even close. More dead than alive might begin to describe me at that point.

The older I get, the more problems I seem to have with my menstrual cycles. They are exactly 4 weeks apart. I mean exactly. I can literally bank on it. What I can't rely on is exactly which symptoms I will be plaqued with. There are always migraines, lower back spasms and diarrhea...after that, it's anyone's guess. This month I was struck with consuming fatigue, an unsatiable appetite (which I did not satisfy - yay for me) and pubescent-style acne.

What amazes me is the time span for which these symptoms may appear. Take this month for example. 2 weeks before my actual period started, my migraines came on like gangbusters. 1 week before, the migraines were still here, plus I received all the other li'l gifts as mentioned above. This morning, I started bleeding. Now I have all the forementioned symptoms, along with stomach cramps and it sorta feels like my va-j-j is going to turn inside out and fall off. Ever seen a dog in heat? Yup. That's what it feels like.

Have I mentioned the emotional roller coaster ride? So, I'm home by myself on Tuesday. Well, hubby was in bed (3rd shift), the chickens were being chickens and the dogs...haha...the dogs. Yeah. That's what I was getting to. Boo bit Ziggy for the 2nd day in a row. Tears. Sobbing, ugly cry, tears. Pathetic. Ziggy had a small 'hole' in his ear, otherwise fine. There I was, sitting on the couch, crying like I had just lost my best friend. Two hours later - laughing hysterically at some stupid email I received. Yet two more hours pass - angry. I mean really pissed off. Over mud. Yup. Mud. Fast forward to today: I seem to be emotionally stable, even with there being even more mud. I was down on all 4's scrubbing the hardwood flooring & singing along with my iPod, "My humps, my humps, my lovely lady bumps". Could be a mid-life crisis sorta thing. If it is, does that mean I can buy myself the Lexus I want?? It's really pretty and it's even possible I deserve it. Plus it has individual heated seats...How groovy would that be while experiencing lower back cramps? I'm just sayin'...

Oh boy. I can not wait for menopause. It's going to be a blast!!

You know what they say about excuses...

I am, without a doubt, an excuse-filled person. I don't mean to be, but it is what it is. I have spent the past several years promising myself I was going to lose this extra weight before I turned 40. Well, I'm down to having a little under one year before that happens. Hello weight...glad to see you're still here.
I have more excuses than I do chickens for the reasons I haven't lost the weight. While some of my excuses are legitimate, most of them are pure hog wash. At one point I weighed almost 300 pounds. I'm a little over a 100 pounds less than that now...which is good and I'm proud of myself. But, I also know I have a ways to go before I'll ever truly feel good. Feel accomplished. You see, it was over 10 years ago I lost that 135 pounds. Since then, I have bounced back & forth within a 10 pound range. Mostly because as soon as 200 gets close, I work really hard at getting down a little bit. So. Why don't I work even a little bit harder and lose yet a few more pounds? Why do I insist on eating and eating until I feel sick. OK. I am nauseaus pretty much 24/7...but overeating is seriously uncomfortable.
I LOVE the way I feel when my weight is down. Doesn't everyone?
I cook healthy dinners. We eat vegetarian several nights per week and the other nights we eat lean poultry or seafood. I don't eat dead mammals...it seems, well, cannabalistic to me. I wouldn't eat my dogs...or the forever-a-pain-in-my-ass local stray cats...why would I eat another type of mammal? I won't. I can't. I know too many loving, friendly cows. They really are cool. I think everyone should have one in their backyard!!
Anyway, this isn't about cows, no matter how extremely groovy they are. This is about my excuse riddled life when it comes to nutrition. For those of you who are saying to yourself, "Hey - grow some willpower" or maybe even worse, "Join Jenny Craig!" - bite me. I actually know how to lose weight. Duh. I'm kinda an expert at it. It's an incredibly simple formula, summarized as eat less than you expend in energy to lose weight. The average person requires 1200 calories per day to properly 'run' their bodies. 1200 calories is the 'magic' metabolic need. You will never convince me that every woman in the world has the exact same metabolic needs. That's crazy. I do, however know that if I eat 1200 calories per day, I lose weight. I also feel sick, but that's another thing entirely.
So, I know I need more than 1200 calories per day. But, I still want to lose weight. Oh...and I really don't want to 'count' every little thing I put into my mouth. Which is ridiculous. I have to count everything. Duh. Another no-brainer.
So, where am I really? I mean, if I know this is what it takes to lose a few pounds, why don't I do it?? Could it really be my childhood still haunting me as they regularly show on "The Biggest Loser"?? Could someone like Jillian help me??
I had a fairly horrific childhood. My mother hated me, still does. Apparently because she got pregnant, I ruined her life. OK. Fine. She was a whore and it was somehow my fault. Groovy.
My mother is seriously anti-fat. It occurred to me I might be her 'karma'...she's horrible to overweight people, so now she has overweight children. I dismissed that as probably not the case.
I had some pretty extensive kidney problems as a child. I was put on kidney medications...long term. I was a pretty petite child until that point. Then I went through several years where I was 'puffy'. Yes, I was chubby. Not really fat, but puffy. My mother told me daily I was fat and no one would ever want me. She told me I would never get a date with a decent guy because only the scumbags & losers would want to date a fat girl. She told me no one would ever love me. She told me she hated me. She told me she wished I had never been born. She yelled at me if I ate something for breakfast or lunch and she wasn't eating. She said hateful, hurtful things if I ate a cookie or a piece of pie at Grandma's. She starved herself for days on end...only eating what we call squishy bread (1 or 2 pcs of bread squished up by hand)or a cold hot dog from the fridge on occasion. At the end of her 'fast', she would gorge on all-you-can-eat fish or huge cheeseburgers with fries. She's 5' tall (might be closer to 4'11") and weighs about 90 pounds. Seriously. She never exercised, claiming only fat people need to exercise. What an ignorant woman.
I'm intelligent enough to realize she was wrong. Not only wrong, but hateful, bitter and mean. She continues to be this way today. I have limited contact with her. She's a negative person. I'm a positive, optimistic person. Hell, I survived her. I figure I can probably survive just about anything.
There are scars. Both physical and mental. The mental scars are the hardest. During periods of time where I'm detached from her - as in no contact for weeks or months - I am able to lose weight and reach peak fitness levels. I am able to not only do these things, but do them for me. I begin to feel strong, healthy, beautiful. Then she returns. Usually by calling me up & offering me some type of 'peace' gift - my Great-Grandmother's rocking chair and desk or her 1-year old living room furniture because she had to have new. I fall for it every time. Every damn time.
Honestly, I want to break the cycle. I want to be free from her once & for all. My younger brother lives with us. I love having him here! But, he works for our stepfather. He must maintain a relationship with our mother. We each have to make our own journey in life. I know for men emotional situations are different - they are better able to think logical and with reasoning - while as women, we let our emotions 'run' us somewhat. He is able to have a 'long' distant relationship with her and visit with her on occasion. I can't. I can't have her in my life. I give her too much power and she doesn't respect my boundaries. She is a life sucker. A tiny, microscopic, life sucker. And, sometimes, I hate her.
While I do have illnesses that require medications, and some of those medications cause weight gain, I feel most of my weight problems are a direct result of my childhood. Isn't it strange, how at 39 years old, my childhood still affects me? And how completely clueless my mother is about it? She plays the victim. How disgusting. But, it is what it is. And it's what it always will be. It's up to me to make the change. To become the person I know I can be. To love myself enough to stop abusing me by mindlessly gorging my body. Food is not the answer. Good nutrition, exercise and laughter are the answers. My family - husband, children, siblings, dad & (step) mom, our dogs, our chickens...this is what my life should be consumed with. Love, positive thinking, peaceful existence...that's what I want in life. So, that is what I shall give myself. I don't have to play by anyone else's rules anymore. No one can have the power to make me feel less than, unless I allow them to have the power.
I'm strong, I'm beautiful, I'm fit, I'm in love. So, if you'll please excuse me, I have a date with a treadmill...and then a healthy lunch.

Along comes Ziggy...

We now have six German Shorthaired Pointer's. One neutered male, Jack. He's our whiner and can't be out with anyone but Charlie...he wants to eat the 'dark' ones. Did I mention he's almost solid liver? Yes, he's a Nazi. Want proof? Watch this video - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CNku2Q1rek

Four intact females. Charlie, my gorgeous almost 5 year old girl...who has shitty titties according to my husband...she had 10 puppies for crying out loud! She gave birth to both Skylar (Boo) and Joy. Tobi, our 4th female, is Charlie's cousin and about 2 months older than Boo & Joy, who are 3 years old. Of the girls, Boo is definitely the most aggressive. She doesn't care if a human touches her food, puts their face in her food bowl, etc. The second another animal - I mean ANY animal - comes near her food, she bites. She was born here...she was Charlie's 1st pup...I've been here literally since the 1st breath she took. She is also petrified of children. Small children. As long as they're at least close to adult size, she's fine. I'm thinking midgets would be an issue with Boo. Yet, for all her 'faults', she's a beautiful, wonderful dog!! She listens to us humans very well, runs & plays in total abandonment and completely adheres to her Mama Charlie...and Mommy...except when there's a 'threat'.

Now that you have the immediate background...

We have been actively searching for a male GSP puppy. He had to be beautiful, but most important, he had to be playful and loving. Found him on puppyfinder.com and he lived less than 5 miles from our home!! We brought him home yesterday.

Boo hates him. Well, hate might be a little strong of a word, but she definitely isn't thrilled with him being here. He looks almost identical to Boo's twin. I cried for weeks after she left to go to her new home. So, obviously, I'm already attached to this little guy...and determined to make this work. What did I think was going to happen? I have 4 females, all over the age of 3...and I want them to simply accept a new male puppy into our home without incident. Oh, I knew there would be adjustment period and the food situation would need to be carefully monitored. We haven't made it through 24 hours with Ziggy and Boo has already 'attacked' him!! Grr.

Dogs are so much like toddlers. They are positive we do not have enough hands to pet more than one of them at a time. They are positive whatever it is that fell on the floor belongs to them. And they 'resolve' their issue's with growls, bites and attacks...much like a spoiled child who has received no discipline. Yet, I do discipline my dogs. My dogs get 'spanked' with rolled newspapers and sometimes even my bare hand on their back thigh. They must do something to earn a treat - sometimes it's just a sit & wait, sometimes it's a down & wait...but something always must be done before receiving a treat.

I have read and studied Cesar Milan's technique. It's not a very good way to handle dog breeds like GSP's. They are already geared to want to please you. They are typically not an aggressive or bully dog. I have found Tamar Geller's approach to dogs to be much more likable...and, if followed consistently, works like a charm. According to Tamar, dogs have 7 basic needs: Sense of Security, Companionship, Understanding the Hierarchy, Surprise/Excitement, Food/Exercise, Mental Stimulation and Love/Connection.

I already messed up the "Sense of Security". I allowed Boo to attack Ziggy...doesn't seem to be any 'real' damage, but there was a little bit of blood and he was definitely hurt by her attack. Not in any lasting way physically, but his mental feeling of security vanished in thin air. I will correct this by spending quality time alone with Boo...and separate quality time with Ziggy and each of my other dogs over the next several weeks. I also made a mistake by grabbing Ziggy 1st (I was concerned about injuries). Doing this, however, confused Boo even further. So, am I 2nd female in command or does this new pup that Mom obviously favors, now #2 dog? My correct response should have been to love on Boo. I know, it doesn't seem right at all. She attacked the little puppy!! BUT...She was protecting her turf - her 2nd in command. Well, that's not entirely true. She should be 3rd...First comes me (Mommy), then Charlie (Mama Charlie), then Boo. After that, Tobi & Joy tend to go back & forth as to who is #4 and #5. Where does the new pup fit in? Hopefully, if we do this right, as he grows, he'll simply become Alpha Male after my husband...and when Jack's crated for his 2 hour nap. As I mentioned before, Jack is not to be trusted with 'dark' dogs. My dogs are currently on a 2-hour rotation schedule. From 7:00am-9:00am the girls (and now Ziggy) are out. From 9:00am-11:00am, Jack & Charlie are out. So forth and so on. I'm positive Jack's anti-social behavior could be corrected...but I need a professional to help with this. No way will I risk another massive attack on Boo...or Ziggy! Jack attacks to kill. This is no joke. I have paid over $1,500 on the two dogs (Rudy - who is the father of both Boo & Joy); and Boo...mostly Rudy. Jack attacked him seriously three times. After the 3rd time, we separated the boys - started the 2 hour rotation schedule and even had Rudy neutered. None of things made a difference. In the end, we chose to find Rudy an amazing home and he is thriving!! He is even working in search & rescue at this time. We could not have done a better thing for Rudy. Even though I miss him daily, I know he is right where he should be. Under no circumstances do I want a repeat... Ziggy is here and I will make this work.

One of the most important things I need to make sure is established, is MY position as Alpha Bitch. It is important for all people who live in our household, as well as regular visitors, to also establish their alpha-ness when entering our home. However, as the main caregiver for our pets, I must establish this. I tend to let Charlie take the role of Alpha female and Jack Alpha male. While this works on the average day, it does not always make for a good time. When we walk Charlie, she acts out terribly, barking at vehicles she can see a 1/2 mile away and terrorizing any livestock along our walk. This is definitely an unwanted behavior.

Tamar discusses the fact that dogs need their heirarchy. As a human, and a female yet to boot, my first inclination is to protect the puppy. This is wrong. Obviously, the puppy's life shouldn't be threatened, but the puppy must learn his place in the already established pack in our home. Things have ran very smoothly for over 2 years. Even when our grandpuppy, a Pit Bull named Lexi, was living here for a little over a year we had little incidence. Boo did bite Lexi - twice. Both times requiring stitches. Again, our fault as humans. Why did we baby Lexi when she was attacked for getting out of line? We not only reinforced to Lexi that her 'position' in our home was higher than Boo's, we confused Boo...leaving her to re-establish her position. I now feel guilt. Boo knows who she is. She knows where she belongs. Why, oh why, would I cause her to question this?

So, I sit here, re-reading "The Loved Dog" and desperately trying to learn how to integrate Ziggy into the girl pack.

Wish me luck!

The Man Who Mugged My Parents - Indianapolis Monthly

The Man Who Mugged My Parents - Indianapolis Monthly

Please read this and comment Ethan after you're done. He's a beautiful, beautiful man...and deserves to be recognized for overcoming everything he has...and is still doing GOOD while being so sick.

He is a personal friend of mine.

A lot of changes here on the Farmette...

I have been so MIA lately! It's the curse of my illnesses I suppose. But don't worry. We've been making loads of spring chicken plans!!

On a sad note, we lost our 1st Biggie Smalls...our beautiful blue Silkie roo. He passed away 2 days ago. We do have plans to get a 'real' Biggie Smalls, a black Silkie cockerel chick this spring...along with a multitude of other chicks... Anyway, I wanted to take a moment & write about our biosecurity breech and why my ignorance killed the roo and has made our chickens all have a cold (AKA infectious bronchitis). I bought him from a local girl who thought she had a black Silkie roo, about a year old. He was a blue Silkie roo, might have been around a year old (I don't know for sure), but she had him in a dog cage next to a Buff Polish roo, who was also in a dog cage. I just didn't have the heart to leave him. My bad. The poor little guy was sick. He died. Because of my ignorance. I noticed he had a wheez, but honestly totally dismissed it after a month and a half...making a fatal assumption (for him) that it was just the way he was. Wrong. Chickens do not wheez or rattle or cough or sneeze on a regular basis unless something is wrong. Please learn from my mistake!!

My layer coop currently houses 16 females & our Buff Orpington roo, Jake. The females consist of 6 Red Star's (or Red Sex Link's - Ginger, Penny, Rhody, Rhonda, Reba & Roxanne), 2 Black Star's (or Black Sex Link's - Aussie & Ducky), 1 Silver-Laced Wyandotte (Angel),1 Gold-Laced Wyandotte (Goldie), 4 Brown Leghorn's (all 4 affectionately known as Leggy because they are VERY difficult to tell apart!!) & 2 Buff Brahma Bantam's (Gracie & George). We are adding 2 Ameracuana's, 2 Black Jersey Giant's, 2 Salmon Faverolle's, 4 Dark Rhode Island Red's, 2 Black Australorp's, 2 Buff Orpington's, 2 Speckled Sussex, 2 Blue-Laced Red Wyandotte's, 1 Columbian Wyandotte and 2 Exchequer Leghorn's. We were going for egg laying capabilities as well as beauty and friendly personalities.

Our 'front yard' birds will consist of 1 Welsummer roo and 2 hens.

We also have an exotic coop which includes 1 Polish (and 1 Sumatra pullet), 4 Silkie's and 1 Cochin pullet. We have 1 Cochin cockerel and 1 Polish cockerel. In the Polish crib, we have Marley, our 'original rooster', who isn't quite a year old yet. He currently has a Gold Laced Polish pullet named Elvis (compliments of my baby sister) and Sammy, our little black Sumatra pullet. We are adding 1 Buff Laced pullet, 1 White Crested Black pullet and 1 Silver Laced pullet to his group. Next we have the Silkie's. We, of course, just lost our blue Silkie, so we will be purchasing a new roo...a Black one. We currently have Eleanor (white Silkie), Buffy & Suzy (buff Silkie's) and Baloo (blue Silkie). We are adding both the Black Silkie roo and 1 Partridge Silkie pullet. Last, we have our Cochins. They consist of Ikey, a spit fire of a li'l cockerel and his partridge, very tiny GF, Freddie. We are adding 4 'assorted' Giant Cochin pullets, 1 black Frizzle Cochin pullet and 1 white Cochin pullet.

This arrangement should make all 4 of the Roo's happy and of course the hen's could really care less as long as there is food available at all times. Gotta love those easy hens!! LOL!

We are also getting ready to enlarge our chicken coops. I'm so excited with what this coming spring is bringing!

I started selling my beautiful eggs for $1 per dozen a couple of weeks ago. We have already made enough money to pay for 1/2 of the chickens' monthly feed! Yay! My goal is to have the eggs pay for the chickens' feed along with the dogs' feed...maybe even pay for the extra supplies we occasionally or regularly need like antibiotics, pine chips, straw, etc. And wouldn't it be grand if the chicken egg sales also paid for the dogs yearly vaccines and heart guard/flea med's?! Wow. That would definitely be great.

My husband built me a chicken water heater yesterday. It works amazingly well!! I'm so happy and proud to have a husband who knows how to build and fix stuff!!

I have also been working on making some new recipe's...I will post a few when I have more time.

If you want info on our homemade chicken water heater, just ask!

The Coop

Well, after much discussion, Chuck & I decided we (as in he) want to use 2 matching - or close to matching - sheds and convert them into 2 chicken coops. Coop #1 will be our layers and Jake. Coop #2 will belong to the Polish and also have a tac room to keep all the chicken supplies.
Here's the shed-to-become-a-coop being delivered by Menard's...

Here's Chuck reading directions... Impressed? LOL!

Chuck & Dustin carrying the front of the shed-to-become-a-coop to the driveway for a flat surface to work on...

Chuck & Dustin raising the front wall into place...

Wendy helping me dig out the pavers to use both for leveling the shed-to-become-a-coop and for a less 'muddy' entrance into the coops...

The shed-to-become-a-coop framed...

Here's Jake & his ladies, patiently waiting and being content with their current living situation - even if we aren't...

This was all done on the 1st day. We are hoping to get it completed this weekend - fingers crossed for decent weather!

Rhode Island Red Hens

I purchased 4 new ladies - Rhode Island Red's - 1 year old. They have been horribly mistreated. They were originally 3 to a cage & used strictly for egg production. Somehow they ended up being sold, along with about 196 others to a lady who was trying to slaughter as many as possible before winter came. Technically I rescued these four by buying them from her. Considering everything they've been through, they are incredibly sweet!! I feel awful about their beaks, though. I definitely do not believe in de-beaking!! Grr.

Now I'm trying to get their health back up to par. I'm feeding layer pellets, oyster shells, fresh fruits & veggies and scrambled eggs with the eggshells crushed. I was thinking about purchasing some poultry vitamins. Anyone have a brand they prefer? Or any other advice on how I can help them recover faster?

I just know they are going to be so beautiful in a couple weeks!! And even though I do not support de-beaking, I do think their little under bites are kinda cute...in an ugly sorta way. LOL!

I'll get some more pic's this weekend - as well as before, during & after pic's of my shed converted to coop. =) For now, I need to get some sleep! 3 concussions in less than 45 days... I think I could use some RnR.

Night!